Eissa Saeed

Tired

I am tired
Tired of being scrutinized
Of explaining myself
Of being held responsible
Of censoring myself
Of having to prove my innocence
Of having not to blame myself
I am tired 

Frightened out of my brown skin
I tread the paths that lead me through your streets
Hoping you won’t whisper words of an unsound rhetoric
You’ve been holding under your breath 

The pavement keeps passing
And my heart keeps pounding. Restless.
Pumping out the same crimson liquor That runs through your veins 

I wonder if you know
That under this garb of protection
That houses the differences in our histories
Lies a body, a mind, and a soul
Assimilated enough to your liking 

Maybe when I speak words of kindness
With inflections that put you at ease
I won’t have to dissociate myself
From the monsters who share my creed
Maybe only then will you see me as sincere
And let go of your unfounded fear 

And then there’s you
The one who held me in your hands
Now disavowing my existence
Because that’s the law of the lands 

It’s so hard to put into words
The feeling that consumes me
700 shotguns pointed in my direction
For a crime that only frees me 

Say, do you pray for me in your prostrations?
Because I dream of the day that you will accept
The hand that I hold that holds me in love
And your sensitivities are not mine to protect 

I will hold his hand until you’re ready to hold mine
’Til your God reminds you to recognize me as your own
Until then I’m too foreign for you and too alien for them
And for neither, am I enough 

So, I am tired
Tired of being scrutinized
Of explaining myself
Of being held responsible
Of censoring myself
Of having to prove my innocence
Of having not to blame myself 

I am tired.